They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
