God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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