what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
