I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
