I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize