seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
