Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
