hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
