just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
