what day is it and did you see me today?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
