Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
