Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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