I can text with my tongue
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
