You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I believe in your delicious
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i think i just lost a toe
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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