I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
