dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
