Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
