its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
