They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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