In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
