Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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