You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
