I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
