just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
