dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
