How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
