Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
