Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
