20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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