connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
