Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my phone needs a breathalizer
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Houston, we have a squirter
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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