In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
