i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I looked at my own cervix.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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