Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize