we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
