You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
