are you still at the devil's house?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
