Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
ttyl tear gas
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
