I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
