So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
