is your mom at the bar?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
