Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
