Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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