so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
