The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
