a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
