someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
