4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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