in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
