Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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