So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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