there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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