help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
