Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize