ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize