You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
