I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
