Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize