You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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