I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
