I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
