I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
